In a world where social perception often dictates personal and professional success, it’s not uncommon for individuals to engage in approval-seeking behaviours. While the desire for social validation is natural and deeply ingrained in our psychological makeup, excessive reliance on others’ approval can lead to a range of emotional and interpersonal issues. This comprehensive blog post explores the nature of approval-seeking behaviours, their psychological underpinnings, and effective strategies for fostering a more secure and authentic sense of self.

Understanding Approval-Seeking Behaviours

Definition and Examples

Approval-seeking behaviour involves actions primarily motivated by the desire to be liked or approved of by others. Examples include:

• Excessive Agreeableness: Always agreeing with others’ opinions to avoid conflict or disapproval.
• Over-Apologising: Frequently apologising for actions, even when unnecessary, to mitigate potential disapproval.
• People-Pleasing: Putting others’ needs before one’s own consistently, often at the expense of personal well-being.
• Shifting Personal Beliefs or Behaviours: Altering one’s views or behaviours based on what one thinks others will approve of.
• Compliment Fishing: Regularly seeking compliments to feel validated.

Psychological Roots

Social Conditioning

From a young age, individuals learn that certain behaviours are met with approval from parents, teachers, and peers. Social learning theory (Bandura, 1977) suggests that people learn social behaviours, including approval-seeking, through observation and imitation of others’ behaviours and the outcomes they produce.

Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

Approval-seeking is often rooted in feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. Individuals may rely on external validation as a means of reassurance when their self-esteem is low (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, & Vohs, 2003).

Fear of Rejection

The drive to seek approval can also be motivated by an underlying fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear often compels individuals to conform to social expectations to maintain relationships (Leary, 2001).

Implications of Approval-Seeking Behaviours

Emotional and Psychological Consequences

Constantly seeking approval can lead to emotional exhaustion, stress, and anxiety, as individuals remain perpetually concerned about others’ perceptions (Gilbert, 2005). It can also contribute to a contingent self-worth, where self-esteem is highly dependent on external validation (Deci & Ryan, 2000).

Impact on Relationships

While approval-seeking behaviours might initially help in forming connections, they can strain relationships over time. They can prevent authentic interactions and lead to resentment, both from the individual suppressing their true self and from others feeling manipulated or burdened by the individual’s dependency (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

Strategies for Reducing Approval-Seeking Behaviours

Building Authentic Self-Esteem

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT can help individuals recognise and modify thought patterns that contribute to approval-seeking. By challenging irrational beliefs about self-worth and social approval, individuals can develop healthier attitudes and behaviours (Beck, 2011).

Self-Compassion Exercises

Practicing self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding during times of failure or inadequacy as one would treat others. Studies by Neff (2003) have shown that self-compassion leads to greater emotional resilience and less dependency on others’ approval.

Enhancing Social and Emotional Autonomy

Assertiveness Training

Learning to express one’s thoughts and feelings confidently and respectfully can reduce the reliance on others’ approval. Assertiveness training helps individuals articulate their needs and preferences clearly, without infringing on the rights of others (Long, Long, & Whitson, 2008).

Diverse Social Interactions

Expanding social circles and engaging in a variety of group activities can diminish the power of any single group’s approval. This diversity can help individuals appreciate their intrinsic value, irrespective of any particular group’s validation.

Mindfulness and Reflection

Reflective Journaling

Writing about personal experiences and feelings can help individuals understand and manage their motivations for seeking approval. It allows for self-reflection and clarification of one’s values and priorities.

Mindfulness Practices

Mindfulness meditation can be beneficial in reducing the anxiety associated with approval-seeking behaviours. By focusing on the present and accepting thoughts and feelings without judgment, individuals can lessen the impact of external validation on their self-worth (Kabat-Zinn, 1994).

Cultivating Healthy Social Interactions

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial in managing approval-seeking behaviours. It involves understanding one’s limits and communicating them effectively to others, which can significantly reduce the stress and anxiety associated with trying to please everyone. Boundary setting helps in balancing one’s own needs with the expectations of others, fostering healthier and more sustainable relationships (Brown, 2015).

Reciprocal Relationships

Focus on cultivating relationships that are based on reciprocity and mutual respect rather than one-sided approval. Engaging in relationships where both parties contribute and benefit equally can lead to more genuine interactions and less pressure to conform solely for approval (Markus & Kitayama, 1991).

Enhancing Emotional Intelligence

Emotion Regulation

Developing skills in emotion regulation can help individuals manage the feelings associated with rejection or disapproval more effectively. Techniques such as reappraisal or refocusing attention can decrease the emotional impact of negative social feedback and promote a more stable sense of self-esteem (Gross, 2002).

Social Skills Training

Improving social skills can increase social competence and confidence, reducing the need to seek validation constantly. Training in areas such as communication, empathy, and conflict resolution can enhance one’s ability to interact authentically and effectively, minimising the reliance on others’ approval (Segrin, 2001).

Long-Term Strategies for Independence from Approval

Value Clarification

Engage in activities that help clarify and reaffirm personal values. Understanding what truly matters on a personal level can shift the focus from external validation to internal satisfaction and guide decision-making processes that align with one’s true self (Schwartz & Bilsky, 1987).

Life Coaching or Mentorship

Working with a life coach or mentor can provide guidance and support in overcoming deep-seated approval-seeking behaviours. These professionals can offer personalised strategies and accountability, helping individuals explore their potential and embrace their authentic selves without undue reliance on external approval.

Conclusion

While the desire for approval is a fundamental human impulse, excessive reliance on external validation can hinder personal growth and emotional well-being. By understanding the roots of approval-seeking behaviours and employing strategies aimed at fostering self-esteem, assertiveness, and self-compassion, individuals can cultivate a more authentic and fulfilling life. Embracing one’s intrinsic worth is key to breaking free from the constraints of external approval and achieving true self-acceptance.

References

• Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
• Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1-44.
• Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.
• Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. Random House.
• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.
• Gilbert, P. (2005). Compassion and cruelty: A biopsychosocial approach. In P. Gilbert (Ed.), Compassion: Conceptualisations, Research and Use in Psychotherapy (pp. 9-74). London: Routledge.
• Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.
• Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. Hyperion.
• Leary, M. R. (2001). Toward a conceptualization of interpersonal rejection. In M. R. Leary (Ed.), Interpersonal Rejection (pp. 3-20). New York: Oxford University Press.
• Long, E. C. J., Long, R. F., & Whitson, S. (2008). The need for assertiveness training. In W. T. O’Donohue, J. E. Fisher, & S. C. Hayes (Eds.), Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Applying Empirically Supported Techniques in Your Practice (pp. 54-61). Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
• Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224-253.
• Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
• Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250.
• Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
• Schwartz, S. H., & Bilsky, W. (1987). Toward a psychological structure of human values. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(3), 550-562.
• Segrin, C. (2001). Social skills deficits associated with depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 21(3), 379-403.